Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

When you have to use a public restroom.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”