Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

😂🍻

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’