We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?