boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.