@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

You Might Also Like

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@samreich

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

@TheTweetOfGod

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@DurtMcHurtt

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

@secondofhername

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

@GrantTanaka

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@JonBaker

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@felicityward

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.