We need more people like this.
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
i think we should see other cousins
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Sorry. Not sorry
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?