We need more people like this.
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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?