Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

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A pool table

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.