Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Talk about a bad egg

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.