Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.