We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
(Gaming support cat.)
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.