We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!