we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda