we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Orange cat behavior 😂
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[eats all your cotton candy]
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume