we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Huge, if true.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”