We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.