Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

🤣😈🤣

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”