We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*