Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Sold!

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.