We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*checks Timeline*…
