We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
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Happens to everyone.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.