Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I need to sieze this.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?