We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry