We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
You Might Also Like
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Facebook Twitter
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.