I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.