Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets