We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*