We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
You Might Also Like
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
favorite tropes as memes
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.