We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I hydrated. Surrender now.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on