We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think