“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
me when i see my girls butt
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
