We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
😂🤣😂🤣
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.