Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

we’re gonna need another temp

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

When you’ve simply given up.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Lmao

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol