We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.