We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.