We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
You Might Also Like
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
More like Kate Missington.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
And then there were 4
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
No.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you