Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.