We need to put an American base on the sun
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.