We need to put an American base on the sun
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choose your fighter(holiday edition)
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*struts into the new year
~ trips
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
secret recipe
Super Hand Dog Face
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.