We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
describing stardew valley
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
With a text.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Happy Thanksgiving
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.