We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
#parenting
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side