Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.

“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”

“…right.”

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa