We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.
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So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed