We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
What flavor cupcake are these
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’