We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*