Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS