We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
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Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?