We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
This is I, Robot all over again
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
real
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.