we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building