Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“We need to talk”
*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room
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What behaviour immediately makes u suspicious of someone? 4 me it’s when they extend their cape w/an arm, then obscure the lower face w/it.
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
iPhone 6 for $900 or a ski mask for $1.99.. Your choice
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Procrastination is a dish best served tomorrow.