Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?