“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room

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Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this


What behaviour immediately makes u suspicious of someone? 4 me it’s when they extend their cape w/an arm, then obscure the lower face w/it.



BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.


Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women


Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”