Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

The Backseat Boys

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this