@SondraDeeMe

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

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@kelkulus

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

@over_rated

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@ThugRaccoons

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

@T_N_Crumpets

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
??.??
??.??
??.??
[stops]
[gently now]

??.??

[very gently]

??.??

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

??.??

GODDAMMIT

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

@Barknado69

[The Price Is Right]

Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is

Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right