I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m so old that I was the tv remote when I was a kid
Rival Gang Leader:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.
[The Price Is Right]
Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is
Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right