Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

Go gym

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.