we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
You Might Also Like
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
That’s not how days work.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.