Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs