we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.