Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.