We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”