Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.