We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
another case of gang violins
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
BaD BoY!!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.