“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
You Might Also Like
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
How I’d get arrested…
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*