“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
