Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Bro what is this

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.