We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please