Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

no cat here

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.