We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.