We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what