We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
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SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Nothing.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours