We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
#CatsOnTwitter
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Monday
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
me, after any kind of buffet.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
There is wisdom there.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.