we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer