we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that