we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
You Might Also Like
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
A great first step 😂
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.