we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Look Ma, no handle on things
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.