we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.