Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Happy Taco Tuesday

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.