Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.