We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
