Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

💁🏻‍♂️

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers