We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap