We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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welp
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’