We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.