We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
You Might Also Like
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.