We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

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I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.

Now we wait.


Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that


me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here


[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.


Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.


She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.


You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.


[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*


Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”