I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.
Now we wait.
We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.
Mostly, I’m the whole problem.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”