We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.


Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?


Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..

*70 million white women turn around*


Dad: This note from your calligraphy teacher is very concerning… and stunningly beautiful


Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger


I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite


[on phone]
mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it ‘pokey-man’


No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.


[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.


Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.


My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.