Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.